today

so today was such a wierd day...

cos for once i woke up at 7 for my balance class at paragon, usually am scrambling up at 8 and rushing like mad...

and the first time in a long time, i did NOT wake up with thoughts of you. but after the class... BOOM. it was an out of the body experience.. i saw your name on the text message and had to take a second look. a name i was so used to seeing but had not for quite a while (a whole month to be exact)

and then it started... flashes of you ALL over the place.

while walking to the bus stop from paragon, on the bus to millenia, at millenia, then walking from millenia back to city hall MRT and back home... everything reminded me of you...

and what i should've texted back was "yes baby, i've missed you too... a lot"

even when i reached home and took a 2 hour nap... somehow i could feel you next to me... that familiar warmth and scent... and the way you feel in my arms...

the line you used "but gotta cope with it" broke my heart... i really really hope u r happy baby. with the choices you have made and with whatever you have to reconcile for yourself.

i can say this now with all certainty: what i felt for you is no more... i never imagined this day would come... but i guess when you keep beating something down, it will die eventually. i just thought my love was stronger than that; guess not.

and i've stopped praying and hoping... i've learnt in this past month, hopes and wishes are truly and thoroughly poisonous and evil. to the point where i'm resistant and adverse to it.

missing you... still

how have you been baby? what have you been doing? are you happy?

i'm still missing you... lots... and really wondering if u r thinking about me too...

at brother's wedding

at brothers wedding dinner, as usual got all the girlfriend questions. and just seeing my brother's wedding photos n all the funny quips from the solemnisation n morning of the wedding day.... makes me miss u so much. especially the songs they are playing during the dinner. we'd look so gd n smart together... but, oh well. plus can't walk properly, so hobbling everywhere, wouldve been nice to hv my muscly stable mooks to hold onto n smile at n hold closer. miss u soooooooooo much

wimbledon

since 9.30 pm last night (it's 4.30 in the morning) been glued to the TV watching the wimbledon men's finals.it was thoroughly exciting and dramatic and nail-biting and excruciating to watch.... and the worst part was... that i couldn't share that with you. i have NEVER wanted to sms u so much.... and kept mentally slapping myself on the hand. especially every-time they cut to federer's girlfriend, my mind would ring super loudly with your voice with some snarky comment about buffets :)

how r u now baby? do u miss me too?

for good

wierd week. busy as always... then yesterday whilst i was shifting stuff around, a 1TB hard rive fell on my foot and slice a huge gash right across the top of it. soaked through half a towel before i could hobble across the road to get stitches and get 10 days off. then managed to download the musical wicked. someone got a video camera into the theatre and managed to get it on tape. was crying like mad watching... and when i heard this song, i just thought of you... and i miss u like crazy baby.

ELPHABA You're the only friend I've ever had.
GLINDA And I've had so many friends. But only one-- that mattered.

(sings)
I'VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED
TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I'M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT
AS IT PASSES A SUN

LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD …

ELPHABA IT WELL MAY BE

THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU'LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND...

LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

GLINDA BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
BOTH BECAUSE I KNEW YOU, I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...
ELPHABA AND JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR
I ASK FORGIVENESS
FOR THE THINGS I'VE DONE YOU BLAME ME FOR

GLINDA BUT THEN, I GUESS WE KNOW
THERE'S BLAME TO SHARE

BOTH AND NONE OF IT SEEMS TO MATTER ANYMORE
___

[They sing simultaneously]

GLINDA LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT/AS IT PASSES A SUN/
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER/ HALF-WAY THROUGH THE WOOD

ELPHABA LIKE A SHIP BLOWN OFF ITS MOORING/BY A WIND OFF THE
SEA/ LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A BIRD IN THE WOOD
___

BOTH WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
I DO BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER

GLINDA AND BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

ELPHABA BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

BOTH BECAUSE I KNEW YOU... I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD.

the weekend and KL

hullo bb :) thinking about u n missing u and wondering if u r ok.

this weekend was great and incredibly hard all at once...

left for KL on saturday with leonard and a member called angie to KL via coach. though it wasn't the very same one we took (from asia hotel) the fact that it was a trip with friends up to KL just triggered so many memories.

for one, it was to go catch one of the disney musicals that we both love. discount the fact that it wasn't good, we still would've enjoyed it. and the places we walked past... just brought back so much. the l'opera restaurant where we attempted to have dinner the night you felt really sick. that very junction right in front of lot 10 where we walked and crossed so many times. the zang toi cafe, the seed cafe (which has since closed down) and the "klinik" you went to...

plus the things i really wish you were right with me to share: the view of KLCC towers right at midnight. breathtaking. all the super yummy food we had in the short less-than-24-hours we 3 were there. the lovely hotel room (way better than equatorial). just having you there to share silly and nonsensical stuff...

i miss you so much baby.

got my check up in 2 weeks.

fridays...

used to be where we would literally watch the sun set on the day. hang out, catch a movie. go home and just snuggle like there's no tomorrow. 10is and then dinner/ supper.

i missed you especially today. had dinner with leo, serena, my sis (kel from nike) and a trainer who is in town plus another friend from hong kong... had a really good time catching up... but it's these times, especially. when i'm with friends that i want you with me... so you can know them better...

i miss your laugh, i miss your smile, your warmth, your grouchyness... especially since tomorrow i'm off to KL to catch beauty and the best, the musical... which i know without a doubt you will thoroughly enjoy, as much as i would...

"how was your day baby?"

"are you thinking about me and missing me too?"

more songs

waiting (reprise) by george michael

Well there ain't no point in moving on, until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that I have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets and emptied out my soul

All those insecurities that have held me down for so long
I can't say I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them, So they're not so strong
You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do when they come true?

Well there's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
Now I know there's no way I can right those wrongs
Believe me I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And I guess there's a road without you

But you once said there's a way back for every man
So here I am
Don't people change, here I am
Is it too late to try again, here i am

waiting for that day by george michael

So every day I see you in some other face
They crack a smile, talk a while, Try to take your place
My memory serves me far too well

I just sit here on this mountain thinking to myself
You're a fool boy, Why don't you go down
Find somebody, Find somebody else
My memory serves me far too well

It's not as though we just broke up, It's not as though it was yesterday
But something I just can't explain, Something in me needs this pain
I know I'll never see your face again

C'mon now, I've got to be strong now

Now everybody's talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to the stupid mistakes you made
Oh my memory serves me far too well

Don't you know that the years will come and go
Some of us will change our lives, Some of us still have nothing to show
Nothing baby, But memories

And if these wounds, they are self-inflicted
I don't really know how my poor heart could have protected me
But if I have to carry this pain, If you will not share the blame
I deserve to see your face again

C'mon now, You don't have to be so strong now, Come back

Come back to me darling, I will make it worth your while
Come back to your baby
I miss your kiss, I miss your smile
Seems to me the peace I search to find
Ain't going to be mine until you say you will
Don't you keep me waiting for that day
I know, I know, I know
You hear these words that I say

You can't always get what you want

where i stood by missy higgins

[V1] I don't know what I've done or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run and honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head, little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end, Oh and I found myself listening

[C] 'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

[V2] See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

[Br] And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

thursdays watch the walls instead

wednesday night, capital tower. usual dinner at maxwell. a part of my routine you aren't part of because of it being a weeknight. and the first time EVER there was a white lexus is250, and i had to see it. what a way to distract me from thinking about you eh?

even before that... during the relaxation portion of the balance class at capital... i kept thinking back on the days where u used to attend my sunday balance class... and how i'd always sneakily hold your hand while doing the meditation section just because the gym would be quiet.

capital doesn't open on sundays anymore. just started me thinking on things that have changed since 4 years ago. some of the things we shared or places we went to that aren't there anymore...

and again i ask " how was your day today baby?" "hope u r good" and i miss + love you

ghosts

last night taught at cathay, my usual tuesday evenings.. and when i looked out at the gym side, where the row of treadmills are under the plasma tvs... i "saw" you. only a few weeks ago you came to meet me and did some cardio. you were wearing your usual white nike tee shirt... and the way you run... just deeply burnt into my mind. thank god it was during the relaxation portion of balance, so it wasn't as bad... i could calm myself down

then today... after my lunch time millenia walk class, went to carrefour to get groceries... again, a fleeting image of you sitting at the starbucks right outside the row of checkout counters. a few weeks ago you came and met me and waited patiently while i got some groceries and queued in line. the way you were looking down at your phone while typing smses... and the silly faces you made.

i've been quietly asking "how are you baby?" in all hope that you can somehow hear me. wondering if you are having duty today, or delivery or if there are customers that you enjoy serving...

i miss you. and i miss us.

watches

was watching an episode of david letterman and one of the guests: jason bateman, was wearing the very same graham you gave me. can't help but think about everything you've given me. tangible and otherwise. it's actually the intangible that has made the last 4 years so painfully tangible.

things like tuesday... gonna miss our lunches. which these days seem to always be around hong lim food centre. everytime i go get my vegetarian mixed rice and the soup from the steamed rice place... i'll be wondering what you are having for lunch... if you are thinking of me too.

goodness, i miss you so much

day one...

i keep resisting typing a text to you. how ridiculously much i'm missing you right now. wanting share even the littlest thing. cos i know you'd laugh with me... or sometimes at me. the way you'd say "silly poons" or "my silly handsome man" and most of all wondering what kind of a day you had.

and this being wimbledon season... how you'd give me updates with your trademark puns...

miss you my love. and sending all the most positive and warm loving thoughts.

your poons

1510: number of days between 5 may 2004 to 22 june 2008 (numerology: 7, the number of completion, how appropriate)

songs

these are two prime reasons why songs have such an effect on people. when they resonate and have such a connection.
worth repeating over and over again

the heart of the matter - don henley

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear, 

But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone, 

She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door

Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now, But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again

I've been tryin to get down, To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak, And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness, Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore

These times are so uncertain, Theres a yearning undefined

And people filled with rage, We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They're the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition, Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us, You know it doesnt keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now, But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out, I have to learn again

Ive been trying to get down, To the heart of the matter
But everything changes, And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness, Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on

You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby


through the barricades - spandau ballet

Mother doesn't know where love has gone
She says it must be youth That keeps us feeling strong
I See it in her face, that's turned to ice
And when she smiles she shows The lines of sacrifice

And now I know what they're saying, As our sun begins to fade
And we made our love on wasteland, And through the barricades

Father made my history
He fought for what he thought, Would set us somehow free
He taught me what to say in school
I learned it off by heart, But now that's torn in two

And now I know what they're saying, In the music of the parade
And We made our love on wasteland, And through the barricades

Born on different sides of life
We feel the same And feel all of this strife
So come to me when I'm asleep
We'll cross the lines And dance upon the streets

And now I know what they're saying As the drums begin to fade
We made our love on wasteland And through the barricades

Oh, turn around and I'll be there
Well There's a scar right through my heart But I'll bare it again
Oh I thought we were the human race
But we were just another border-line-case
And the stars reach out and tell us That there's always one escape
I don't know where love has gone
And in this troubled land Desperation keep us strong
Fridays child is full of soul
With nothing left to lose There's everything to go

And now I know what they're saying It's a terrible beauty we've made
So we make our love on wasteland And through the barricades
Now I know what they're are saying as our hearts go to their graves
we made our love on wasteland Oh oh oh through the barricades.

headache

thumping headache...

from re-watching the opening episode of friday night light's second season. where there is a fucking childbirth scene.

i cannot stop thinking about it. about u + boon... about everything that it entails. and about what i need that you cannot give.

and i'm done. no more, mooks. dun say u love someone and then criminalise the very things that he needs. i so do not agree with that line you said: my friends cannot believe that there's nothing physical between us and i just told them why can't two men share a purely platonic love"

no shit, no way.